Over the past few weeks, I have learned that our oldest son, Isaiah, has some jealousy about hemophilia. We talked about it a lot. I asked him to draw pictures of what he'd like about having hemophilia and what he wouldn't like. He liked the idea of getting prophy and going to the HTC for an appointment just for him. He didn't like the idea of getting his blood drawn, though! Then, he drew what he liked about Eli and Silas having hemophilia and what he didn't like about them having it. He liked nothing about their having it, and didn't like how Eli couldn't play with them when he got prophy. He told me that he felt Eli got all the attention because of his hemophilia. I was so sorry and heartbroken that he was carrying these feelings with him. He never acts like he's jealous. He is very protective of Eli and Silas because they have hemophilia, and he was so pleased for Eli when he heard that Silas had hemophilia too.
I am not only a hemo mom, I am a mother.
Great post Sarah!! I guess we never think that such a thing would happen. But as I sit and think about this......maybe Isaiah thinks that Eli and Silas get "special" treatment that he does not. Maybe you should try to find ways that make Isaiah feel "special"....maybe call attention to something that he "has"....some quality or something......that the others do not. Like how protective he is, what a great big brother he is.....no one else can be the "oldest" big brother like he can. Just some ideas. I think you are doing a great job.....it does take some learning....and I think none of us are really ever "done" learning....till God calls us home. Keep up the good work.....God has given you a special calling in life......and I know HE will equip you with whatever you need to do that job successfully!!!!
ReplyDeleteI came from a "large" family, with 5 kids total. While I think that overall my parents did a fabulous job raising us, there are things that we have chosen not to repeat with our kids. One of those things is that, in my family, the kids were, at times, seen as a "unit" instead of separate individuals. We were "the kids". There wasn't a lot of focus put on each child's individual uniqueness unless it was obvious(i.e. my younger sister has a FABULOUS singing voice, my older sister was very talented artistically, the younger sister also has scoliosis that required her to wear a full body brace for years, etc). If there wasn't something with the child that was different, obvious or there wasn't a natural proficiency for a particular talent, we just kinda blended into the woodwork, so to speak. Now, I'm sure some of this had to do with finances. We were very poor when I was young and the money just wasn't there to have each child involved in a bunch of different things. But still, there were kids in our family who didn't get as much attention, time, focus as some others simply because we didn't naturally stand out from "the Pack" in some way or another.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure w/ Isaiah, it has more to do with the attention that Eli & Silas get that the kids who don't have hemophilia don't get. It's kinda a "badge of honor" in your family. It's seen as something that makes Eli & Silas unique & special. They get more/different attention than the others.
I think you hit the nail on the head in your last paragraph & in your final statement. You're learning the right lesson. You're a mother...to all of your kids, each with their own individual needs & talents that need to be focused on w/ no one or two children being singled out as "more special" than the others just b/c they have a disease or a particularly obvious talent or ability. Every child deserves to be special in some way & to have something that is uniquely "their's". We hope to provide that to our children and that each of them will grow up to know that their parents think that each one of them is the best thing since sliced bread!!! ;-) - Maria
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, ladies. I am definitely implementing things you both suggested. This is such a great lesson for me right now. Maria, what you said about the "badge of honor" hit my heart. I didn't realize I was doing that. I am so glad I see it now when my children are all still young. Thanks again. :o)
ReplyDeleteI think it can be too easy to focus too much on this aspect of our lives. It's one thing to say that hemophilia is just a small part of our family. But walking the talk is often a very different thing for some people. In my house, I'm very much obsessed with photography. I spend a lot of time thinking about it and talking about it. The kids know this is very important to me. If I were to spend a lot of time thinking and talking about hemophilia, the kids would very easily begin to see that this is something that is important to me and then make the leap to think that those particular two boys are perhaps, more important to me. So, while it is an important part of our family, there is really no need for me to talk about it all the time around the kids. I think about it because I have to keep my kids safe, but I don't need to mention it multiple times a day.
ReplyDeleteI think in your family, Isaiah really is "less special" than the rest of the kids. Your two boys have hemophilia and your daughter is the only girl. Where does that leave Isaiah? And not to say that you treat him that way. But from his perspective, there is just nothing different about him that is celebrated daily. Maybe try and find his one thing. Even talking about how wonderful it is that he is totally healthy. How lucky he is that he gets to live his life without a constant worry about his health. I would phrase it as a positive, what he has. He has his health. Not in the negative. He doesn't have hemophilia. And of course, your other two boys are healthy, too. But not 100% as they DO have a constant worry for the rest of their lives. Isaiah simply does not.
ReplyDeleteStacey, I was going to respond that you forgot about Malakai. He has his clotting health too. Then, I quickly remembered that his special thing is being the poster child for hospital water birth! This is a hard issue to face. I do not favor my children. I can see your point though. The other kids "specialness" seems to be louder than Isaiah's. This is not true. Isaiah is amazing. He is very special. You're right that I need to focus on highlighting that. If I were in his position, I would probably have a hard time too.
ReplyDeleteI want to say in my defense that he is the only one in school, and since we're homeschooling, that is a special time just between us. Also, he has cub scouts. We do work to make those things special for him.
Sarah, this is a little light-hearted comment. (I do not regard your concerns you've talked about these last two days as light-hearted. I feel them with you as best I can and pray for you. And, you are a GREAT Mama, b/c you are always striving to give your best.)
ReplyDeleteI always felt my "badge of honor" was being the oldest. My younger brothers were the "smartest" and the "baby of the family," so that seemed to do it for me. Thank you so much for creating this blog! Lillie
I'm looking forward to hearing how things work out for Isaiah. :o) Lillie
ReplyDeleteI love you, Lillie. Thank you for your "light hearted comment"!
ReplyDeleteIsaiah is one awesome young man! Have you thought that you may be dealing with more a sense of helplessness than jealousy? Isaiah certainly takes his position of eldest very seriously. He doesn't want what his brothers have. I'm sure he wouldn't want his brothers to have hemophilia either. That was very wise of you to speak to him from that angle. When God puts the unchangable in our lives He is usually giving us the chance to grow. When He allowed that little "gene swap",He knew. You are so aware of each one of your little ones. Go back to those wonderful words in Philipians 4:9. Just as you & Matt have found ways to reach out to others I'm confident as Isaiah grows he will also. Love, Gramma Bobby
ReplyDelete