S.t.r.e.n.g.t.h.

The truth is, I can handle it. The task before me is not greater than the strength within me.

For years, I have had an inner voice telling me:

"I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. I can never reach my goals. I am a total loser. Everyone else has it together, but I always screw things up. Why do I always fail? I don't deserve this job."

I have had this voice in my head and heart for as long as I can remember. It has prevented me from so many things, damaged relationships, destroyed my education, and causes me great pain.

One of the reasons I love birthing so much is that it is one time when I overcome this enemy within me. When I am birthing, these words shine from my soul:

"I am good enough. I am reaching my goal. I am a champion. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.* I am doing great. I was made to do this."

The task of birthing my child is so great, I don't let the negative voice ever have the microphone. EVER. My child needs me, and I can do this.

I was recently reading over a letter written to me by one of the dearest friends I've ever had. She wrote in response to a conversation where I shared my discouragement with her. She told me she loved me and reminded me of Elijah's birth. Eli's birth was and is still the most spiritual birth I've ever experienced. You can read the whole story HERE. Here's an excerpt:

The contractions were so intense. I tried a little push with one contraction. No, it wasn't time yet, but I could tell that this was going to be harder than Ana's birth. I thought, "I CAN'T DO THIS". At this time, God impressed on my heart not to speak and claim those words of defeat, but instead to call out to Him. It was between contractions. Everyone was totally quiet. I was facing the wall and couldn't see anyone in front of me. It was just God and me and my baby. I prayed out loud, "Father, thank You for giving us this baby. Thank you that he's coming today. 'I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.*' Thank You, Lord. You bring this baby out. This is all You. Come on, let's go!" After that I was on top of my pain (because my Jesus was carrying me).

Just reading that again brings tears to my eyes. I was so close to God. What has happened to me?

I've always desired to know and understand everything. This makes faith a challenge. Well, here's what I know and understand:

1.  When I try to be successful in my own strength, I fail, I disappoint, I even hurt people to accomplish my goal (i e: yelling).

2.  When I let go, trust Jesus to give me strength, love others, and just steadily keep trying, I am a conqueror and a blessing to my family.

I want live my life like I birth my babies. My family needs me. I can't let let that negative inner voice have the microphone anymore.


"I am good enough. I am reaching my goal. I am a champion. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.* I am doing great. I was made to do this."

*Philippians 4:13

"Oxygen Mask"

This week, my dad has been in the hospital because his oxygen level has been too low, and he needed help.  He is home now, but remains on oxygen.  That was and still is scary for our family.  It is also such a good reminder to me. . .

A good friend once shared a story with me.  She was on an airplane, listening to the flight attendant's speech about safety.  She was once again bothered by the part where they insist you put your own oxygen mask on before you help your children with theirs.  So, she asked why.  Of course she would help her children first before herself, right?!!!  The flight attendant's reply was something she never forgets:  "Because if you are unconscious, there will be no one to take care of your children."  My friend carrys that with her as a mother.  How true this applies to our parenting!!!  We need to find our oxygen mask.  Take good care of ourselves so that we can take better care of those who depend on us. 

Now for my confession. . .

I have been so wrapped up in my blog, facebook page, and the constant demands of my children.  I have not been taking care of myself.  Pretty hypocritical, I know, but i think a lot of you can relate.  Last night, I started having a lot of braxton hicks contractions that wouldn't stop, and I was getting chills.  My husband wasn't home yet, and I was trying to have a special "snuggle and story time" with my children before bed.  I decided it would be good to check my urine (aimstick), and discovered what was causing my discomfort.  I was very dehydrated.  I called my midwife after my husband got home (husband speaking: I was NOT happy when I got home!), and she gave us instructions on how to get things under control.  It worked!  This morning, I feel so much better, and my specific gravity (hydration) has gone up quite a bit.

There was no excuse for this.  I know better!!!  My husband and midwife are keeping me accountable to take better care of myself.  I am 36 weeks and 2 days.  Silas should have a few more weeks to grow healthy and strong!  He is deep into my pelvis already.  We shall see.  But, I can tell you that I will be more careful to put on my "oxygen mask" from now on!