Saturday, September 17, 2011

Love and Guilt

Eli, Malakai, Isaiah, and Ana
I know that it is not my fault that 2 (maybe 3) of my children are affected by hemophilia.  I know that genes are more than just  a mutation, and that only those particular X chromosomes would've made each one of our children.   If they had recieved any other X, they would be a completely different child.  Looking at it like that, it makes it easy to be thankful for everything that comes with or does not come with my children's genes because I want THEM.  If hemophilia comes with the package, so be it.  However, last night when Ana showed us a mysterious bruise that she discovered on her hip, I felt an unusual weight of guilt. 

It doesn't make much sense.  I know all the facts.  Maybe it's just because I'm extra emotional with Silas's birth coming so soon.  I don't know, but when I looked at that deep purple bruise on my little girl, I felt like I did that to her.  She is a little ballerina.  She loves all things to do with homemaking and babies.  She is the spunkiest little girl I've ever met.  I love her so much. 

I don't need to feel guilty.  If carrying hemophilia is part of what God has for her life just like it is part of what He had for mine, I praise God for it.  That sweet little princess is going to take the world by storm!  She will have opportunities to reach people that she wouldn't have otherwise. 

I am concerned for some things like:  Will she have any bleeding issues when she hits puberty?  Will she have any issues with childbirth?  Will her factor level ever go lower?  I don't know the answers to these things, but God does.  He loves her even more than I do, and I trust Him.


  1. I was just at a hemophilia family weekend this weekend I we talked about this. I remember feeling guilt for a short time after we got Thomas' diagnosis. But then I fell in love with him and suddenly he was just the best baby ever made, hemophilia or not. It's just a part of who he his and who he is is just perfect.

    All the best for Silas' birth. Can't wait to hear the updates!

  2. All I can say is that your kids are so beautiful and look wonderful together.

    Priyanka, India


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